Finally 20

So I managed to hit halfway. Thats right, I'm 20 now. And I'm considering that a halfway point. With everything that I've put in myself, 40 my be time for my body to just throw out a big "better luck next time!" and call it quits.

I've worked almost everyday this summer, cancelled two or three vacations, stopped playing music for the most part, even though I keep buying more gear, had little to no life and still, have nothing to show for it.

Finally getting out of the teenage years is nice, now at least I don't get clummped in with the teenage population, that I loathe as a whole. They're annoying, bitchy and think that they're so bad ass. I tried to start a fight with six of them at one time and they all took off. I didn't really care if I got my ass kicked, it was 6 guys, so at least would have made for a good story in the long run.

Point is, regardless of everything that I think I've accomplished in 20 years, really doesn't mean crap. I've wasted a score of years and, hell, all I have is a decent car, and a little less skin on my teeth than the next guy.

It's gotten to re-evaluation time, because, that's what needs to happen.

New job, new schedule, new people to win over and influence to better myself. No I don't have any shame.

What it comes down to now, is that I'm 20 years old, have a crappy job, with crappy hours that runs my life, and I can't make up my mind. You'd think by the age of 20 that pair of decision making cojones would've dropped by now. But you'd be wrong. I'll still approach things that I know aren't right, time and time again. Just like an alzheimers patient. Only to be releaved by some super miracle that puts me right back on track.

Come on super miracle. I put in an order two years ago. Your customer service guys are slacking.

I had a nice blog written here. Then the site glitched. So I don't have time to rewrite, it'll come later.

Strange night indeed

So after being rather determined to try and "pick up" as it were, a girl from my friends cafe, said girl said something along the lines of "You have no idea how many customers have tried to pick me up today, and it's only 1 P.M.!" at which point another waitress chimed in, "Should've told him you're taken" so after trying to talk to her for a little while, I grabbed my Carmel Kristie latte and hit the road. Yes the drink is actually named after the girl, and I'm pretty sure is actually on the menu as such. Leaving rather disappointed, due to no ones fault but my own, I drove around thinking for awhile. What's the deal, am I really just that old fashioned that at the drop of the idea that someone is taken, I simply drop off the face of the planet, never to be seen again. Or is it that I just simply don't have a pair big enough to do anything about it. A pinch of both is what I determined. That was Friday. Jump to Monday. My friend Jessica is still, almost annoyingly pushing me after this girl, insisting that she's still single. Honestly, I don't know because I haven't had a chance to check out that nifty ring on her finger that tells all. Pointing up= single, down=taken. That may be the only good thing I retrieved from my last actual relationship. Anyways, asked the sis about it, she said the opposite, so on that subject, still up to a flipping Mr. Washington to decide.
At work, while I was trying to leave, my friend Scott, who is one of my closest friend Rachel's ex, stopped in. Hanging out in the parking lot, a car pulls up next to us, and asks us what we were up to, so we proceeded to state the obvious and say "talking over a cigarette" they asked us what we were doing this weekend. It's my birthday and Scott is going to NYC, the girls said that's a shame, because they had a school date they needed dates to. The only saving grace was that I told them I was 26, and clearly too old for a high school dance. I'm 19. Anyways, they said they would be back tomorrow to see me. Creepy? Perhaps. But they were good looking, so what the hell. Me and timing, we're arch enemies. Now I have cafe girl on my mind again, and high school girls are trying to pick me up? That never happened in high school. The last person that tried to pick me up was a gay guy trying to get me to beat up his boyfriend and let him take me out for a good time. No joke. I've gotten more phone numbers given to me from gay men than from any girl that I've tried to get a number from, which at this point in time is, at tops, 4 or 5. Lame. In the fullest sense of the word. Lame. On a side note, which makes this even more fantastic, is that my friends uncle owns the Zebb's location by my house, and needs kitchen managers. Almost double what I'm making now. And full benefits. Hopefully at least that can go the right way. I can only hope.

Relationships pt.1

So, because I have nothing better to do after I get out of work an hour and a half late (which translates to 730 in the morning and we close at 5) I decided to do a myspace survey. One of the questions was "Do you believe in love?". Clearly this was written by someone in the eleventeen year old age bracket, but that wisdom from the mouths of babes thing isn't too far off. The answer was clearly yes, but let me explain why. Along with all the factors in this. Because, it's 8 in the morning now, and I still don't have anything better to do.
So let's start this off the right way. The world wouldn't exist without love. It's why we're here. God loves us, so he created us. It's a little out of order, give me a break. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a love that I can't explain, because I can't understand it. It's not possible. So moving over time God loved his people, so he kept them around. Yes, I did just skip thousands of years in a sentance. We move on, even when you think that no one loves you God still does. Don't try pulling that " no one loves me, I have everything, I'm emo" bullshit here. I don't want to hear it. Maybe it's just because you're too much of a moron to catch on, I'll let it slide for now. There's always someone there, even when everything falls apart. I've had my life fall apart a few times. Theres still people around, especially now. I got pretty bad. I still have people everyday that I know I can count on. I love my friends and my family, because, no matter how many stupid things I do, they're still there. That's what keeps me moving on. Knowing that I have people that I need, and that need me as well, gets me through a day when nothing else will. I have a longing desire in my heart to have a family and children someday, but at the same time, it scares me shitless. How am I going to take care of something that important? I have a hard enough time keeping my car clean, I don't even want to get into how much of a mess my room is. But, a kid?!? Are you kidding me? And even before that, a wife? By the way there are no correlations to the responsibilities of a girlfriend, and a life long commitment that you have to live with. Unless theres a problem, and you can't work it out. Abuse and such is allowable. Mostly its bullshit reasons, or people didn't think about it enough anyways. I digress. I can't wait for that responsibility, but I know I won't have it until I'm ready. Financially, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And I don't plan on rushing it, only to mess it up a couple years in. Which I've seen happen way to many times. I want to do it the right way. It doesnt just happen. It's a process, one that I look forward to, and have to change myself over at the same time. There's so much love that we all have to give, but if it's not the right time, then you're just wasting your, and someone elses time and energy. Yeah, theres a reason for everything, but let's try to keep the mistakes to a minimum, right? I've had one legitimate relationship, and a handful of flaky flings, but nothing that I can actually call a loving, connected, heartfelt relationship. That's what I want. I want the responsibility, the feeling and everything that comes with it. It's one of the few things I haven't yet experienced, that I still need to. I'm still 19, almost 20, and I've gone through a lot of rediculous things, and stories that people three times my age don't have. I enjoyed all of it. But of all the things I've done, all the things I've seen, all the things I've been through, this is the one last thing that I think I need to do. And it's not just something I can do and write down in a story book. It's something that I have to live out for the rest of my life. And, I plan on doing it with more care and passion than anything I've ever done. Because that's the way it's supposed to be. Not casual, not half-assed, not pointless. Something that consumes all of you, and you want it to. So ask yourself before you just jump into another relationship, or another group of people. Is this really worth it? I don't want to discourage friendships, just, perhaps, encourage one of the biggest and most important decisions of your life. For everyones, and your own sake. And so you don't have to hear me say, "I told you so" later. Please, please, don't screw it up. By the way, I'm writing this mostly for myself, so that I don't screw anything up, and so hopefully, I can look back on this, and say, "Damn. I'm a genius. I'm glad I listened to me." Yeah, I'm that asshole.

The true friends

So now is about that time period, that I have to stop whining about the band situation. I definitely have, but I just wanted to state that for my safety's sake. I've gone through my problems with fake people, and fake Christians, and a couple other groups of people that I really can't stand. Now comes the point in time when I look at the opposite of all those people. The people that do actually care, and the people that I know I can count on to have my back when I really need it. These people I like to call my closest friends, and if someone screws with any of them, someone is going to get their ass kicked. Here we go.
I work a lot. And I mean a lot. It's not back breaking labor, its more mentally abusive labor. We get paid to slap subs together, baby sit the drunks, and occasionally mess someone up real good. So you need someone who's behind you all the way in those situations. I love my crew. It's taken me a long time to be happy with them, but now I most certainly am. I'm the youngest, and I'm the boss. Most of the guys have about ten years on me. But they trust me, that even when I may lose it, they can understand why. I walked in last night to be greeted by one of the veterans announcing, "Hey everybody, our manager is here!" Whether it was meant as a joke or not, it means a lot that I can count on these guys, and that they respect me last night. The day manager pulled some stupid backstabbing bullshit, because I'm trying to clean up and won't sell to him anymore. (If you don't understand that, just forget I said it) So went on a rampage on my crew while I wasn't there, because he knows no one gets away with talking to my guys that way. I'll fuck you up if you even think about doing something to them while you're in my store. So to strike back a bit, I instituted some new policy at 3A.M. last night. It may be a little asinine but they're backing it. Because they were pissed that the day guy dared to try and make their boss look bad. To my crew, thank you for having my back, and I'll always have yours. We're doing this shit until they can't take us anymore.

On the same list, are the other managers from other stores that I need to have around to help me keep my shit straight. Alex, and Josh. Josh has been my work conscience and guiding light for awhile, and saved my job numerous times. Alex, has single handed backed me all the way back up from the bottom. Everyone needs some one they can trust, someone to help out when no one else will even try to keep up. Except for that one person that just keeps pushing you farther ahead than you thought you could ever do. 80 hour work weeks and the bat cave are only the tip of that iceberg.

Next we move on to the Relevant people. Well, the ones that still care enough to be around when that holy shit storm moves up on the horizon. Kevin, you sir are ridiculous. I have no idea why you still hang out with someone who you know is going to do something stupid, and say something terrible, about as often as you need to take a breath. Thanks for taking care of me when I needed it, and for not changing your mind when it really, can't afford to be changed. Next we move on to the recently, somewhat exiled, but still, every ones favorite intern, Amanda. You think that you haven't been around much, but you're around when it counts, and that means more than those half assed people that show up for all the good stuff. And the next time you decide to buy a futon, and have me push it up three flights of stairs in a run down apartment building, and then having me put it together, at least give me a heads up, please. It'll make it easier on everyone. Love you big sister. And to wrap up, I give everyone the Dayton's. I met Jon years ago, and lost touch until, very, very recently. But somehow over the course of, about a month, I've gotten more out of the talks over a couple beers and some cigars with Jon and Pamela, than out of any church meeting, or group, ever. I know life is busy, especially with ridiculous work schedules, and I can't imagine what having kids on top of that adds to your daily plate. But thank you, for taking quite a bit of time recently, to just hang out, and be a good influence, and just good friends when I really needed it. I can only hope that when I do get all grown up someday that I can have the family relationship that you guys do, and that I can try and get my shit at least half as together as you guys have it.

All these people, during the recent "shitting up of my boots" have kept me from totally going off the deep end. Thanks guys. There is no moral, or point to this post other than the fact that I'm bad at telling people these things in person. Thank you personality less Internet for that out let

Turn it around

So apparently people don't like it when you tell them they're running a mess of a store, and if they don't shape up, that you'll have their job.
I took off of work this week, so that I could play a festival with the band I was involved with. As you may know, that's no more. So I had to scavenge hours at other places, because my friends sister needs the hours at the other store I was running. That's fine, as long as that is what happened. I have a nasty guy feeling it's because I essentially told the store manager that if she didn't have certain things done when I came in (things she is supposed to do) I would have her job. Whatever. No big deal. So I had to steal some hours from my friend Alex, who didn't really care. However, it's put a proverbial "cramp" on my style. I have two days off this week. Which would be fine if I didn't just get almost a grand worth of bills in the mail. Which I wasn't expecting. I got a new phone, and no rebates yet. So there is $400. The rest I planned for. $400 may not seem like a lot, but, when you have to cut back on eating, and stuff like that, you feel that little foot kicking your ass all the way to the bank, cause you know you have no cash. But now that I don't have to take massive amounts of time of for a band that I have yet to get anything back from, I can make up that difference.
For those of you who lost where I was going, here it is...
THINGS WORK OUT

It's the truth. I got a nice reminder from Pamela today that I have about 4 days left to act like a little girl about the subject, and then if I don't, I think there was something mentioned about my ass getting kicked. Which I would absolutely deserve if I whined about something for more than a business week. Because, I operate on a business week, and a quarterly calendar.

That's right. I run my life, coincidentally around the stock market. I didn't notice til someone at work pointed it out. So, for the dimwits out there, at the end of this month, I move on, or start 100% fresh. My first step towards this was cleaning up my act a bit. And I would like to make it very clear, that I'm not doing this because of the band situation. So far, I've been clean for over 72 hours. Not a big deal. Unless you've been hopped up on one thing or another, since, about, May.

So here I stand, waiting for something miraculous to happen. Which, is probably looking me in the face, but I have yet to jump upon said thing.

So with people at my work having children, and other stores floundering, I can only imagine the opportunity. My work is taking care of me, I got involved at my own church again, rather than helping out at the churches of others, which isn't a bad thing. Unless you consider that this past Sunday was the first time I've gotten something out of a message, in the last few months, whenever I was at my church last.

To set it straight, I'm not a big fan of watered down, Jesus loves you and your crack addiction, and wants you to sell enough crack so you can tithe, and then buy yourself a Mercedes. Shit don't work like that. Maybe that's what works for some people. I can't see how, but maybe that's how you can justify yourself. I prefer a God that watches you, and tells you you're wrong. A Lewis Black God if you will. ex: "I can see everything you do and I'm gonna kick your ass!"
Maybe that's a little harsh. But that's what gets through to me. And, I'm pretty sure God has a sense of humor, and was sitting up there laughing at me saying, "I told you so. Ready to do things my way?" And the answer ladies and gentlemen, is yes. Who the hell are you to think that you know what you're doing. Cause you don't. If you have to ask yourself that question, you sir, are wrong. He's just waiting for you to drop your garbage and catch on. It's not that hard. Try it sometime. I didn't catch on til about 4 days ago. So I don't have a whole lot of room to talk, but the point is, as far off as you are. You can always come home to your true source of life.

Yeah, that point took way too long. Too damn bad. Suck it up and move off it. And maybe start listening just a little bit closer from now on. I dare you.